I went to see Sigur Ros in October with a good art experiencer friend, Katie Crawford.
I remember that night I felt like a shadow.
It felt like while Sigur Ros had embraced themselves, and worked with the light shed by their own spirits to form a shape that is projected onto the watching world, I have done the opposite. What people see as my existence is just an outline of me that is cast as my appearance stands between (as opposed to within) the world and MySelf.
I don't think I'll ever forget that feeling because even if it was just a group of humans on some stage, pushing out honesty and sound into our hearts, for that night, I sat for two hours, breathing the same air as the living results of people who unapologetically walk and commune with their dreams.
For a week after, I did my best to simply follow my life, using their music as a guide. Eventually, leading to the present time (3 weeks later) I've mostly forgotten how to live (in any real way) motivated by more than gratification and fear. I'm still happy often and sad, frustrated and fulfilled, but ultimately, after days and weeks, I realize that I have abandoned (in scorn) the line that will lead me to Heaven.
The perfectionist in me would like to package the details of the last two months of my life in this same post or a series of five or whatever. Happily, that is not possible, as I've been influenced by too much to write about. And even if my life had been mundane enough to summarize, I've worked so hard sharing it with dear friends who weren't present that I don't think I'd have the energy or desire to see the project through. I will answer questions, though : )
For a pile of reasons, but mostly my own fault, this summer required a great deal of recovery. My primary project this semester has been slowly putting one block back on another, coaxing one more plant back out of the soil, re-strengthening my heart fiber by fiber. Re-awakening Me. As my good friend Anni said "changing a lifestyle [assumed: for the better] takes a fukin' lot of work and time."
I'm less up-and-down than I was, which is good. I've resolved to establish a healthy, productive balance in my life, which basically involves working hard most of the day, most of the week and then cutting loose in the nights and on the weekends. Kind of a no-brainer, but it beats my previous idea of suspending healthy living until "I'd gotten it all done" and then I'd sort it all out.