Asphalt

Left off with the trip from God. Originally I didn't write that it was from God, feeling wary that my friends who aren't Christian or more liberal would think I was too religious and maybe that my friends who are religious or more conservative would think that this was just beautiful, nice blessing. It was blessing, and it was beautiful at times, but it was also kind of worrisome and not entirely relaxing, until I actually let go of common sense and went into the Ocean.

Aslan isn't a tame lion. To all my church friends, love mother-in-laws, people with issues (me, and don't forget that. And I'm saying that I have issuses because a lot of the time, I try to put myself off as perfect, or at least amazing, when really I'm not.), gay people, crazy people, feminazi's, buddhists, anti-war advocates, environmentalists, devil-worshipers. Look, it's in the Bible, love sinners. I apologize if that sounds harsh or one-sided, but I am seriously worn out from going to church expecting to find at least the trappings of unconditional love, getting home to be with friends who are upset with the church as whole but turn out to be exceptionally sensitive and relaxed. And not-church-friends, I'm not making a judgement either way to whether you are good or bad, I hope.

Okay, nevermind. That was a bad hole. I love all of you. Of all the people I have met, there is not one that did not deserve my love. In fact, really, its an honor to be allowed to honor something as brilliant and fascinating as you human beings.

Anyway, back to the whowhatwherewhen. My memory of the content of this next post is patchy, but I remember it being important.

It begins mainly with my brother Greg's graduation. It was a very purely good to see him graduate, keeping in mind the things he has accomplished this past year. Eagle Scout, Emergency Search and Rescue certified, completing his senior project. Of the three of us, Greg far and away impresses me with his consistency. In our younger days I can remember myself (and perhaps John) more or less resenting him for his middle-child resistance to conflict. But underneath that, there was always a pang of being wrong. That pang has grown into a respect for my that will probably soon be impossible to deny. Which isn't to say that John doesn't also continually astonish and impress me. Okay, actually, for my entire family, I don't think I can really write words that express how intensely faithful and beautiful they are. Hopefully, you probably just have to see my face as I talk about them.

Hm. Don't think I meant to take that tangent. But it was worth it. Despite how enjoyable they are, I don't think of them often enough. It's strange, thinking about a wife and marriage and "my own" family... Although I long for a woman to spend the rest of my life with, I cannot imagine an existence other than pain and darkness in which I wasn't able to see my brothers and parents often.

Anywhoo, other than honoring my brother (which was very good) the graduation was... highschool. If songs are allowed to be called "good" for purely sentimental reasons, I think it's fair to say that this ceremenoy was, for sentimental reasons, pretty poor. One teacher gave a pretty engaging speech about, in my interpretation, that despite the virtual aristocracy of the Plateau the students impressed him with their surviving passion and intelligence. Of course, in a school where, the sports teams (and only a few of those) gets a king's ransom of funding, leaving the visual, performing and musical arts essentially to die (if the funding was in fact a king's ransom, the king being held hostage is probably creative energy) it's fairly obvious that there is not going to be overwhelming amounts of creation or ingenuity. At least not that I felt. Again, it was good to see Greg and honor him.

It is actually the things surrounding the graduation, on either side that I was concerned with. On the before end, I rode the bus into Seattle. It never ceases to fill me with anticipation, coming up I-5 past Boeing Field and viewing those first few massive, orange pier cranes. And then dropping into the city, being let off in a sort of nether region, 4th and Jackson, between the sort of industrial sprawl which meanders around Qwest and Safeco field, and the dense, focused vitality of downtown. And all of it connected, like skin holds the body together, by asphalt. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade a forest for anything, but I love walking the streets, bicyclng down the hills, nestled in automobile that might kill me but hasn't yet, past shops and hundreds or thousands of lives every day. There is a character there that can be interactive. Some love it, some hate Seattle with a passion. There is a personality that is not nearly as developed, diverse, or accessible in suburban areas. I felt all of this in a very explicit contrast and harmony with the intensities of nature, having returned from the coast only recently. In the end, I felt very warm and at home in both places.

On the other end of the graduation of 2007, there was an almost impromptu series of people from my class or older that I hadn't seen for anywhen from a few weeks to a year or two. It was mighty curious. As it turned out, Ashleigh Gage was willing to open her house for a few hours after for three of my high school companions of varying degree, Alex, Krystyna, and Aubrey. We were temporarily accompanied by Ashleigh's twelve or thirteen year old (?) cousin. I think children, or at least girls grow up too quickly. In fact, I often feel compelled to be silly to make up for all of the seriousness I thought was required of me as soon as possible. I like making bouquets and leaving them to be found.

We talked all the way back to Sammamish, bought some food, mango and Pirate's Booty, if I remember correctly. Alex and I both had some tart which was delicious and had begun to lightly mold. If there is one thing I have learned from Marty, it is this: if food is moldy, cut off the mold. Then look at it again as if there had been no mold. Then decided whether or not to eat it. As far as I can tell, I haven't gotten sick to date :D and I've enjoyed some pretty excellent stuff.

Most of what I remember of talking is that it was extremely odd. Some highschool habits had stuck while others showed no trace in us. I noticed myself doing or saying thigs that I never do anymore, feeling things that I generally don't feel. It was troubling because most of it felt like props that had to be put up and I have no idea why. That's all pretty vague, but I remembered it left me in an ultimately strange place and that I was very thankful to be friends with Alex Graves. Not for any one particularly strong reason. Later Alex, Aubrey, Krystyna and I went to Alex's house to talk for a while. The girls left within about 15-20 minutes of each other and then Alex went to bed and I blanketed up on the couch after beginning and dozing/watching Life Aquatic. THen around 5 something in the morning, Aubrey picked me up to take me to the bus station so that I could get down to work in time, which I did.


I am trying to remember what I felt after all that, because it was fundamental. I think that week, I felt increasingly lonliness and apathy, but all sort of spiced with a desperation to see people yet the isolation was perpetuated by tiredness from weeks working days and and empty house. It culminated thursday, I think, whn I went to see people with Marty. That might have been the week before leaving for Colorado.

I was reading His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman, which is a very strange series. One of the strongest themes that always hits me is the adolexcent love between the two protagonists, and it only just appears perhaps two thirds or a three quarters towards the end of the final volume. It is innocent and passionate and intense all at once, and it feels like something I've either not had yet or missed completely. It is portrayed as though all of their actions, from spending time away from all others, to showing affection, to kissing, to simply being aware of each other is unabashed and unapologetic. and I that idea is both astonishing and very resonant with me.

I have written a lot tonight, and I plan to write more tomorrow. Of course, I planned to clean the house tonight, and I ended up writing, so we'll see if I plan to write and end up cleaning the house.

I wish all of you who have actually mananged to make it through these posts are well and that you wish all those that I know and those that I don't the same health and blessings.