West Side of the Rockies

The sort of daily:

I got home from work and I've been thinking almost obsessively about my internal character. I've mentioned this before but consistency in my habits and actions seems insufferably simple and simultaneously quite elusive. It's almost as though my mind is just a great bay where ideas dock to, unloading and trading ideas that analog almost directly to thoughts and actions, and leave just as they came. They trade with each other. It's very difficult for me to find a sort of focus that lets me relax, but at the same time does justice to those ideas. If the Bible says "He who ignores the cries of the poor will also not be heard when he cries out," I can't just set that aside. When I'm late for work, or when I feel a pang of guilt (or desperation) for having banished another important relationship to my very nebulous mode of thought I am describing, I feel like a liar if I simply push those things out of my mind to focus on solving a single one at a time. Not to say that I don't have entire structures of lies that I depend upon, daily.

Yesterday (Monday) and maybe the day before that, I had moments of clarity. Yesterday (admittedly, after watching "Will and Grace".. while I was supposed to be cleaning the house) I felt an incredibly strong and singular desire to meet the one person I can spend the rest of my life with and love. It was simple, and it was longing. If love is forever a compromise, I think I might just abandon the whole thing and live my life serving the poor. Compromising is what happens to spaceships when they are boarded by hostile aliens, or governmental parties when they are both wrong, but neither are willing to admit it. I want to look into eyes and know I will be content for my entire life. If I have to wait until I look into the eyes of God for that assurance, so be it. My mind is dark and confusing and distilled enough as it is. I want to immediately esteem what that woman says over anyone else, aside from God, and I that allows for "I don't know" because Marty's dad said people don't admit what they don't know often enough (people named Tim Postlewaite, for example).

So really, I have no good ideas about the whole thing. I just know that sometimes my heart aches and I'm concious that nothing from friendly companionship, dating, one night stands (not a cup of tea I'm going to try, but I see why people would), fellowship, a relationship with God.

And one final thing. When (if? man, I hope its when) I meet that woman and starting having a relationship, I want to enjoy her. I know that sounds like a no brainer, but unless there is something I am just majorly missing, it seems like most couples don't. I want our enjoyment of each other to be a bigger deal than how much we limit ourselves from enjoying each other. To clarify, there is woman from CS Lewis' The Great Divorce who, as she loves and is loved, causes others to love their own respective spouses more. But that woman still had her husband and they loved each other. I don't want our faithfulness to be measured in how much we restrict our feelings for others, but more how appropriately those feelings are expressed, especially towards each other. I know this is sort of turning into a Christmas list, but I want to play. I have so much hope for that time, building card houses together, playing word games, hiking, watching chick flicks, feeling like a 'found' person, dressing up to go out, having dinners. I know it takes effort and a good attitude to maintain all of this, but I'm convinced that it is far from impossible. Also, I know (and am thankful that) there is more to relationships than all of this. But if anyone thinks they have to be less, then they are a damn fool. Love is expressly designed to be enjoyable and healthy, by God. Pardon my frustration :)



So thats where I'm at right now, but I'm going to write about where I was at a week ago, when we took a trip to Vail, Colorado (the word Colorado, by they way, is an Americanization of "colo roja" which is loosely Spanish for "color red" referring to the river. I have no idea how the "j" was replaced with a "d" and why the "o" and the "a" were switched but hey, thats America for you. We pronounce things better wrong). All said and done, it was a beautiful, fantastic adventure, wedding, and vacation. Outdoors-wise, we took a fairly tame river rafting trip, went on one of my father's (in)famously longer-than-implied hikes, explored some seriously cool caverns (around which probably the best "adventure park" in the world is set).

This is now about a month after the fact and a lot has happened in the interim. It is good to see family and I am sorry that it doesn't happen more often. There were huge houses in the mountains in Vail and what that means is a lot of money. I got along well with my cousins. I missed Jonathan, the one who was getting married. I also didn't spend nearly enough time with Jeff, one of the most beautiful people I know.